3 Reasons to Ditch Online Dating (and one important tip if you’re going to anyway)
Let’s be real, online dating can be a little tricky. And I don’t mean the actual physical act of swiping! Sure, we can all download and swipe, but online dating can be difficult to do EFFECTIVELY.
Online dating: fun and exciting, but also draining and discouraging if not handled with care. If you’re feeling a little confused or unsure if online dating is the right move for you, I want you to keep a few things in mind. Maybe you’re already doing it and feel like you’re running in circles with no luck.
Unpopular Opinion: Maybe you shouldn’t be online dating right now!
And here’s 3 reasons why.
You should NOT be online dating if…
1. You feel pressured.
Fun fact: the first online dating site was founded in 1995. Good ole Match.com - how crazy! We’ve come EXTREMELY far in the online dating world. With more websites and applications than ever before, finding a partner is more accessible than it’s ever been. However, because online dating is so readily available to so many of us, it seems as if we are expected to date.
Maybe you’re hearing about how Ashley went on 4 Hinge dates last week or your best friend has 10 matches. Maybe your friends and family notoriously ask, “are you talking to anyone?..no?..why not?..have you been on the apps lately?” even though last time, the answer was “uh no.”
Then you rush to update your profile and start “serial swiping” as I like to call it. If you’re online dating because it seems like that’s what “everyone is doing” I urge you to reconsider! I’m totally guilty of this! I’ve gone months without Hinge or Bumble but when I hear a friend had great luck on it, I give it a go. But alas...then I get bored and uninterested and the fun dies out anyway. It’s an unsustainable reason to start.
Then we have the effects of quarantine. Look, I totally understand I mean what better way to combat quarantine loneliness than by talking to a someone online? Maybe this has made you realize you DO want to get serious and settle down. Truthfully it can be a really great opportunity to do so! My only advice is to be a little wary if you tend to lean more on the anxious side; online dating during quarantine is a little trickier. “If I like this guy, when will I be able to see him? When is quarantine over? Is it going to be safe to go to his/her place? Are they still going to like me after meeting me in person? Oh god what if I’m wasting my time right now?” If you’re asking yourself these questions and you’re getting excessively distracted or worried, more so than being excited about your prospect, online dating is dangerous. My friend also told me about a conversation she had with her therapist about this. We’re all coping with something traumatic which kind of “binds” us together. It can seem that these relationships move much quicker online than they normally would (again, so we WANT it to work out so we might disregard what we usually would). What’s also more common? Ghosting.
Online dating during this (and even not in it) is too draining just to start doing. Which leads me to number 2.
2. You’re mindlessly swiping.
Unfortunately, I know of so many people who’ve fallen guilty to mindlessly swiping (right now likely due to quarantine loneliness). Maybe you’re doing it for the “thrill” of the match but the excitement dies down about 4 messages in. You’re thinking to yourself “Why the hell did I match with this person again?”
Serial swiping might give you a little bit of a temporary ego boost but it’s impossible to maintain. You’re telling me having a bunch of random matches isn’t overwhelming? And you’re going to take a crack at each and every one of those people? If so please give me whatever it is your taking because I applaud your patience. But I get it, it seems like you have all these options! It’s kind of cool.
Or maybe… it’s the opposite. You’re swiping and it doesn’t seem like the ones you want are liking back - ugh! “There are so many people online and so many apps, how is this not working?!”
When it DOESN’T work out, you’re left more frustrated and more disappointed than you felt before. Before you know it, you’re in a vicious “same shit, different day” online dating cycle.
Online dating is a tedious process; to do it effectively, it’s work! Just like you use a resume to find a great job, your online dating profile acts as same. It’s a means to an end. And it’s important you’re clear about that “end.” But before we talk about that, I have one last sign.
Okay, I am NO licensed therapist or anything close, (so if there’s anything bad about this explanation I’m open to all constructive criticism) but hear me out on this last reason. I believe you should not be online dating if:
3. You’re using it to measure your worth, find an escape or to fill a void.
This mentality leads to that toxic cycle I mentioned in reason 2. I’m not arguing '“the best way to get over someone is to find someone new,” but there’s a fine line.
Using something like a dating app to forget the pain of previous relationship (or anything else) could be a sign you haven’t internally handled whatever it is you’ve gone through. You’re mindlessly swiping to distract and fix something that needs to be tackled on your own first. Then if your match doesn’t work out, not only are you STILL left with pain of the problem you were escaping, but you’re disappointed that your match sucked.
It’s tricky. No one likes to admit it, but online dating can also be really tough on self-esteem. Most judgements are made initially on looks alone and while you might be gauging a great conversation, the other could choose one day to not respond. Have you fallen to the belief that your worth lies in whether or not you have a significant other to show for it?
Alright i know it seems like I clearly hate online dating now…which is totally not the case. I’ve personally had fine experiences with it. However, I do think it’s because I’ve always looked at it as something fun, like any other social media.
And if you tap into what I’m about to say, all three of those questions go out the window.
When your desire to find a connection is genuine, authentic and will complement your life rather than take over it, then all of the above truly doesn’t matter.
My one tip…
Before you start swiping, be clear about your why.
Whether you’re headed to Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, CoffeeMeetsBagel or one of the many others…Why is it that you want to start online dating? Are you looking for a long term significant other? Just trying to get into the swing of dating and get comfortable talking to people? Or is it for a hook-up?
There is no wrong answer! Seriously!
When you know your “why,” your efforts, tendencies, expectations and overall attitude toward online dating can be better matched and managed.
I’m not saying you’ll have 10/10 dating experiences and experience no frustration, but you’ll be more accepting of the process. And yes online dating is a process! It takes energy. That’s what makes it a little different than meeting someone the “organic way.” When you meet someone at the bar or a concert or at the store, you’re really figuring it out as you go. Of course, all relationships take energy, but online dating is different from the start.
When you choose to date online, you’re choosing to date with clear INTENTION. Like I said before, whether we like to admit it or not, online dating is a means to an end. Just like a resume and applications help you land the job you want, your online dating profile might help you land connection you want. It can be a great tool, as long as you are open to the experience and its highs and lows.
The best relationships in any form flourish when you are ready for them. And as I always say, be in tune with yourself. Let go of the pressure. Just like any social media, dating apps can be a fun and even life changing tool - when used with caution! And most importantly, you remember that you are whole and complete on your own. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, hook up buddy should complement your life - not define it.
