Stop Doing This If You’re Looking for a Relationship!

“Dating in your 20s is an unpaid internship.” Easily one of the best tweets I’ve seen. 

However, I can say with confidence, every good, bad, questionable dating experience and relationship - despite the challenges - has allowed me to grow and understand myself a little bit more.

I’ve become self aware, way more protective of my energy and better at recogniizing of who and what is worth my time. 

We all deserve healthy relationships. We deserve (and are totally capable of having) the that types of relationships we want and imagine for ourselves! But here’s the catch. We have to make sure we’re creating a space for that to happen. There are so many unhealthy dating tendencies that we need to put rest. Without further adieu…here are my 20 tips to help you find the relationship you want, or at least get on track to it.

1. Stop ignoring your gut. 

Your intuition is MUCH stronger than you think.

If you’re getting to know someone and something feels off, I hate to say this…but it probably is! I understand learning to trust your gut can take some time. However, practice makes perfect. The more you trust it, the more confident you’ll become in your decisions later on. I’m not saying you’ll fully trust your prospects right off the bat (we all have our hang ups) but the truth is, anything that’s right for you won’t be complicated. If someone is interested, you’ll know. And honestly, if you’re spending more time questioning it then enjoying it, maybe it’s not for you. 

2. Quit accepting Snapchat as a form of legitimate communication. 

I get it, Snapchat is fun. When you see their face, it might feel a little more personal than a simple text (with that being said if they’re sending you black screens or blurry pics of the ground, please run). But you’re looking for something more than a casual hook up, your main form of communication should be texting or an occasional phone call. If the only way this person wants to talk to you is via an app designed for messages disappear, I can’t imagine they’re seriously interested. And if they are, they can definitely step up their game.

3. Ditch serial swiping.

In my definition, serial swiping is when you mindlessly swipe on a dating app with no clear intentions.

You’re in this cycle of swiping left, swiping right, until you can’t swipe no more! Deep down, you know you might not pursue any of the matches anyway! Maybe you’re doing it for the quick confidence boost or because it seems like what everyone else is doing. Here’s the thing - online dating is awesome but it doesn’t have to be a “trendy” hobby. Hinge, Bumble, CoffeeMeetsBagel, etc. have serious potential when used with intention. Be clear on why you want to use one the app so you don’t exhaust yourself (app fatigue is real)! I talk more about online dating and serial swiping here. 

4. Don’t forget your standards. 

Let me preface by saying no one is perfect. No one should ever expect perfection. And let’s not be extremely picky to the point where you’re essentially looking for flaws either (or self-sabotaging because you’re afraid sips tea - that’s a conversation for a later day).

When I say don’t lower your standards or date without standards, I’m saying don’t fall into the trap of “oh, well they’re nice. and kind of cute and they seem interested so I might as well give it a shot” even though when you went out for coffee every minute felt like an hour and the date seemed to last forever. 

It’s easy to settle for attention. Maybe you’re the only single friend. Maybe you’re lonely. Maybe you’re bored. But don’t let those feelings mask what you truly want and deserve. The more time and effort you put into something that you know isn’t right for you, the more you prolong finding something that’s actually worth it. I know it can be hard finding someone you click with. And yes, you have to kiss the frogs. But there’s a balance - the more often you “give them a shot” when you know in your gut you aren’t feeling it, the more time you take away from the possibility of meeting someone else even better for you. Similar to app fatigue, you’ll experience dating fatigue - I know it firsthand! 

5. Don’t feel guilty about your standards!

Now that we’ve established that you SHOULD have standards…don’t feel bad about it!

We all deserve relationships that make us feel happy, supported and comforted. Here’s the deal: having high standards isn’t about someone’s looks or money or career. It’s about not settling for someone who doesn’t align with your values or your plans for the future. 

Here’s a quick reminder that you are awesome as you are. You bring so much to the table already. You deserve someone who knows that AND complements you well. Be willing wait for someone who’s going to appreciate all you are and support it so you can be the best version of you. 

6. Avoid pursuing the ones who need fixing.

Like I said, no one is perfect. We all bring our flaws to a relationship, but if you’re someone who seems to attract or fall for the type who need to be “fixed” (I think we all know what I mean), I urge you to reconsider. This topic is complicated and difficult to talk about in a few sentences, so bear with me here. 

Supporting your partner is necessary, but there’s a fine line. You deserve someone who balances you, not drains you. A relationship has peaks and valleys, not a workload that puts you in emotional overdrive and leaves you feeling empty.

7.  Be clear with your expectations. 

Being honest about your expectations is key.

For example, if you’ve been seeing someone and he/she told you they want something casual or just a hookup, be honest with yourself and with them if you feel the same or not. Or maybe it’s vice versa - maybe you’d rather have something casual without the pressure of thinking about the future. 

I get it, you might feel awkward. BUT…it’s better to endure a few minutes of awkward to avoid potential months of wasted time or disappointment! Learning to set boundaries and standards early on will only make you more confident in your future relationships as well.

And if your expectations change, don’t be afraid to voice that either. As a relationship progresses, sometimes your feelings change. Maybe you were cool with being casual and now you’re catching feels. That’s okay! Just communicate your feelings. It sounds cheesy, but communication is key and it’s the only way a relationship of any sort can be fair. 

8. Quit listening to everyone but yourself.

Family and friends are the most wonderful people but we all have our slip ups. Don’t take it personally when your mom or grandparents or even your friends start to wonder why you haven’t dated or why you haven’t found someone yet. On the flipside, remember not to make dating a focal point of someone ELSE’s life. Just like we shouldn’t say things like “you’ve lost so much weight you look great!” without any context, dating comments can be perceived as backhanded compliments as well. 

However, there are of course times you should absolutely be listening to what your loved ones have to say. If they start to voice concerns about your relationship, especially anything that has to do with your boundaries or your safety, try to hear them out. 

9. Stop comparing your dating life and relationships to others.

We’re all on different journeys in life. Yes, that sounds very deep for a post about dating, but it’s something I think it’s important to remember. It’s literally one of the reasons I started this blog. 

With that being said, I understand being the only single friend. I understand being the only friend WITHOUT a potential in sight. I also understand being the only friend who actually does have a significant other. It’s easy to get caught up in what you don’t have and maybe even feel a little jealous. When you accept where you’re at in life and in your relationships, I guarantee you’ll feel more at peace. You might start looking at dating in a new light. 

Similar to what fitness coaches say, you have to love yourself at all phases not just when you’re at that “goal weight.” Remember that you’re pretty great right now regardless of your dating situation! 

10. Quit ghosting.

I think many of us are guilty of this in some way, intentional or not. As someone who’s a terrible texter, I know I’ve unintentionally ghosted (not that that makes it any better). 

We might make jokes about it, but ghosting is flat out hurtful. Sure, sometimes “rejecting” feels harder than being “rejected” because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. However, by doing that, you’re only looking out for yourself. Ghosting completely disregards the feelings of the other party involved. A “no” is always better than silence. 

If we want mature relationships in our life, that means we must be mature at all stages - even when cutting things off. It takes a great deal of integrity to be honest about your feelings, but it goes a long way. Next time you’re thinking of ghosting try on one of these alternatives: “hey, it’s been nice getting to know you but I just don’t see this going anywhere for me,” “thanks for getting together with me last week but I don’t think this working out for me” or even “hey I had a really fun time, but you should know I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” 

11. …and breadcrumbing

If you haven’t ghosted but you’re trying to keep someone around, chances are you’re breadcrumbing. Or maybe you’re experiencing this right now and had no idea there was a term for it!

You’re likely not talking on a regular basis but you’ll send random snaps or social media likes/comments, maybe an occasional flirty text. You’re not quite sure you’re interested or want to purse talking to them completely, so you leave your “crumbs” to keep them interested. Basically, any sort of communication that’s flirtatious yet non-committal is breadcrumbing. This tends to happen after meeting someone or even after hanging out with them a few times but you’re not sure. Be cognizant of this behavior and avoid doing this to others - you never know how they’re feeling and this could be confusing them!

12. Ditch the idea that you can change someone. 

This goes hand in hand with the idea of “fixing” someone. The only person who has the capability of changing another is…themselves. You can try as hard as you want to help someone ditch bad habits or figure their life out.
However, any change is sustainable only when it comes from the inside. Don’t be the girl or the guy who makes the “player” change. Don’t fall into the trap of believing if you stick around (or don’t stick around) you can change someone’s mind. If someone wants you, they’ll make it known. 

13. Don’t worry about the rules.

Only you know what feels right for you. Maybe you’re still figuring it out and that’s okay! When I say ditch the “rules” I mean ditch the games you’re probably used to hearing or reading about. Things like not answering them for hours just because you should. Sleeping with them on the first date or not. Those kinds of things. 

Dating experiences are extremely subjective and when you’re confident in what you want, the rules kind of go out the window. And knowing yourself comes with practice, so don’t beat yourself up about decisions from the past. It’s all a learning experience. 

14. Forget the notion that romance is dead. 

Romance, just like dating experiences, is subjective. In my onion, a romantic experience is one that makes you excited and feel completely adored! You’re deserving of a love that makes you excited! Dates might look different than they did 10, 15 or 20 years ago, but we can’t believe that romance is dead. 

15. Don’t force yourself to date (or not to date).

A lot of life happens in your 20s (heck, a lot of life happens at all ages). Sometimes dating will feel like the most important part of your life. Maybe you’ll could go weeks or months not even giving dating a second thought. 

That’s why if you’re ever feeling like you’re forcing an experience, forget about it. If you’re forcing yourself to go on a date only because you haven’t in a couple months, even though deep down you don’t feel like you’re in the right mental space to do it, it probably won’t be a great experience. The same goes avoiding a date that could potentially be fun just because things seem to be going really well on your own. There’s a fine line between stepping outside of your comfort zone and stepping outside of a boundary. 

16. Stop believing that nothing will work out.

Fact: What you say to yourself on a regular basis will manifest in your life.

Manifestation might sound wonky, but it’s really how your brain works! The more you say and believe that you’re not worthy of a healthy relationship and nothing is ever going to work out, the more likely that will be. 

You want to know why? Not necessarily because you’re “speaking it into existence", but because your mind is so focused on that negative idea that you’ll be blind to all the good opportunities around you. You’ll be so hung up on what you don’t have, that you’ll be totally blind to what you could have.

17. Be yourself and forget fitting the mold.

I think this goes without saying, but be yourself! When dating or meeting people, don’t hide your interests or passions. Don’t be afraid to share your hobbies. Don’t make yourself out to be someone you’re not because you think that’s what someone else wants. You’re awesome as you are and the right person will want to get to know you because of it. 

18. Stop romanticizing assholes. 

We get it. When you’re ignored all day and get a glimpse of attention, it’s exciting…or is it? Truly I’ve never understood this idea of liking “assholes” but can we pretty please let it go? There’s nothing cute about someone who slides in asking to meet up late at night or who seems to cool to send you a text throughout the day. I listened to a podcast one day and the speaker was talking about a point her therapist made. The point was that the “thrill” of being desired by someone ignoring you or who isn’t treating well is you falsely believing it’s a spark. And remember, don’t fall into the trap of believing you can change someone, If you’re more interested in this topic check out this article I read on CoffeeMeetsBagel.

19. Keep an open mind. Avoid only pursuing your type.

A type and your standards are two different things.

It’s easy to get caught up in the checklist. Brown hair, blue eyes, works in the city, has a tattoo, etc. etc. Yes, physicality is extremely important because you must be attracted to someone to have a romantic relationship with them. However, if you’re actively ignoring others who are giving you valuable attention or completely shutting off different types of people because you’re so stuck on this one ideal person, you could miss out on a great experience. 

20. Forget your timeline. 

If you’re reading this, I assume that we're all (at least) in our 20s or older. During this time, dating can feel more pressuring than anything. 

Maybe you imagined yourself moved out of your parents’ house and engaged by 26…but here you are at 25 still living at home with no prospect in sight thanks to a global pandemic. Maybe you’re 29, single and wanted to have your whole family by 30. Maybe you’re 35, divorced and afraid to start over. Maybe you’re a single parent who’s still hoping to find the one. 

Whoever you are, please remember this. 

You are still, more than ever, worthy of the life and love you desire to have. And whether it happens at 22, 25 or 45 doesn’t matter. Your story is your story.